jennifer-roberts Note: Parts of this blog post are based on actual occurrences and some are based upon my own imagination. Names and specific circumstances have been changed to protect the subjects’ identities.
“Do you want to be well?” This may sound like a strange question because who would not want to be well?
Sadly, there are many people who have experienced intense spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical suffering for so long they don’t know how to be well. The idea of being well sounds good, but the work of being well is just too daunting.
Regardless of the origin of their condition, these people make daily decisions that keep them in their sick state. They are addicted to their pain and dysfunction. Unbeknownst to them, they invite misfortune, calamity, havoc, misery, tension, and drama into their lives because these mischievous players are needed to fuel their dysfunction. People who choose to not be well have learned how to operate in chaotic circumstances and insane patterns of behavior because they find comfort in the familiarity of their dysfunction.
Every time I think of people who refuse to get well or don’t know how to be well, I am reminded of John 5: 1-9 (NIV) which tells the story of a lame man who was healed by Jesus.
“Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie – the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” “Sir,” the invalid replied. “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up? Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.”
Do you know anyone like the man in the story? Do you love someone like the man in the story? Or are you the man in the story?
The man in the story started out like many sick people. He had been crippled for a long time. He made excuses about his condition. But the reason that the man was healed was because he believed that he could be healed. After making two excuses, he ultimately made a choice to follow Jesus’ directions. If the man had responded to Jesus with disbelief and more excuses, he would not have been healed. Or if he believed that he could be healed but didn’t obey Jesus’ directions, he would not have been healed because James 2:26 (NIV) says, “Faith without works is dead.”
Making the choice to do something new and different sounds appealing but living out that choice takes work, diligence, and courage. When someone’s brain and body have been conditioned to be sick for an extended period of time, it is incredibly difficult for a person to train their brain to believe new thoughts and form new habits.
Even the most well-intentioned person may start off motivated but end up unsuccessful because somewhere in the process, usually at the beginning, he determines that the work is too difficult, and the new road is too risky. He reverts to the comfort of what he knows even if what he knows is not working.
I have seen this pattern of dysfunction play out in my own life with people that I love, and it is very painful to watch.
I have a friend named Sharon who has suffered decades of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical trauma. Despite multiple offers to help her, family interventions, spiritual support, emotional support, mental support, physical support and financial support, Sharon is no better off than she was 30 years ago. In fact, she is worse off largely because she hasn’t made the decision to be well and consistently do the work that a functional life requires.
The idea of wellness “sounds” good. After all, who would say, “I want to be sick. I want to be dysfunctional?” But when I look at Sharon’s choices, all of them point to the reality that she hasn’t made decisions that would help her to be well. She hasn’t made the initial choice to accept that what she’s doing isn’t working and do the work to have better life.
I do not trivialize the intense work that is needed to be well. The work is grueling and often painful with slow results. The commitment is long-term; there is no quick fix. A person may always have to resist the temptation of falling back into their dysfunctional pattern. Replacing old ways of thinking and habits with new ones can them enjoy long-term success.
It is hard to watch someone that you love stay in a sick state. It is often our human inclination to want to help someone get better or escape a bad situation which is great for people who truly want to be helped. But what about people who are hurting but don’t want to be helped. Consider this scenario.
You are standing outside on a busy city street. You see a man get hit by a car. You instinctively rush to help him because you see that he is injured but he pushes you away. What would you say? You may say, “Sir, I’m trying to help you, why are you pushing me away?”
What if the man tells you that this is the 25th time he’s gotten hit by a car? What if he says that he has perfected the act of getting hit by cars? What if he says, “I have learned how to make sure I get hit by cars? I cross the street at a time and in a way that I am likely to get struck.”
You’d probably be at a loss for words, but you manage to eke out, “Why would you do that?”
The man replies, “When I was 15 years old, I got hit by a car for the first time. It was a real accident. My parents took me to the hospital. I had to stay in the hospital for two days because of my injuries. I didn’t have to go to school, and I didn’t have to do homework. The doctors and nurses were so nice to me and my parents spent a lot more time with me than they used to before the accident. I even pretended to be more severely injured than I was because I loved the attention. I got to eat icecream everday and I didn’t have to do any chores. Even after I went home, my parents were still extra nice to me because they felt so bad. I loved how that felt. The longer I lay here on this street and the louder I moan, the more sympathy I get. Can you please step away so that someone can call an ambulance?”
This story probably sounds outlandish, but it is how many sick people’s lives play out even though they will never articulate it this way and may not be able to be honest about their history and current patterns of behavior.
There was probably an initial event or series of events that was the catalyst for the person’s current condition. Just like the man in the story, something happened that caused them to start behaving in a n unhealthy way. Instead of addressing the condition in a healthy way and healing, the person processed it in unhealthy ways and kept repeating the trauma or inviting it over an extended period even though the damage may not have been inflicted in the same manner. After years of following the same pattern, the person got addicted to something about the lifestyle. Maybe they got sympathy. Maybe they got pity. Maybe they gained financially. Somewhere along the way, the initial trauma went from being a temporary challenge in the person’s life to becoming the person’s standard of living.
You may in relationship with an unwell person or the unwell person may be you. Here are some ways to tell:
The person plays the victim. People who do not want to be well take little or no accountability for their choices or act as though they don’t have a choice. Instead of looking inward to investigate how they are contributing to their problems, they point fingers outwardly at people, institutions, and circumstances that they believe are causing or contributing to their current state.
They also enjoy talking to people who will pacify and enable them to remain in their current condition instead of holding them accountable. They repeatedly tell the same sob story. They seek and will accept empathy even though they may not ask for it outright. They may come across as sweet, genuine and victimized. Popular language includes, “This isn’t my fault.” “Can you believe this happened to me?” “I don’t know what I am going to do.” “If I could just get out of…I could make some headway.” “I can’t believe this keeps happening to me.” “I can’t believe …. did this to me.”
The person’s dysfunctional behavior is present over a prolonged period of time with little to no improvement. Everybody has rough patches or lapses in good judgment but when these traits become a person’s lifestyle, there is a problem. Additionally, if the person is not effectively improving their situation, there is a problem.
The person does not make good choices and does not execute effectively. People who do not want to be well do not make good decisions nor do they follow through on the necessary work. They talk about what they could do and maybe even what they should do but there is little to no action that will improve their condition.
The person makes excuses and blames others for their condition. People who do not want to be well are professional excuse makers and perpetual procrastinators. They talk big but do little. “I’ll do it tomorrow.” “I was going to look for a job, but I don’t have access to the Internet.” “If I hadn’t been in that car accident 10 years ago, I could have played professional football.” “I was the best employee…I got fired because my boss didn’t like me.” If you listen closely to the person’s conversation, there’s always a reason why they can’t move ahead but the responsibility never rests with them.
The person rejects genuine help. There are many forms of support that can help someone be well. There’s spiritual counseling, therapy, life coaching, financial support and even family intervention but the person must accept the help and use it effectively to move forward with their life.
Here’s an example. About 11 years ago, my good friend, Laney told me that she wanted to take some night classes to work toward obtaining her bachelor’s degree, but she couldn’t because she couldn’t afford a babysitter for her then, two-year-old daughter, Jessica. I offered to babysit Jessica for free so that Laney could attend the classes. Laney rejected my offer and 11 years later, still hasn’t gone gotten her degree. It’s highly unlikely that a lack of daycare was the real reason Laney didn’t pursue her degree. Talking about getting a degree sounded good but when the barriers were removed, Laney bailed on the idea because she had no real intention of accepting help and following through on her plans thus perpetuating her unwell condition.
Sadly, there are millions of unwell people who will never get help but there is a bright side for people who want to be well and are willing to do the work. They must first recognize that they have a problem and accept that their problem is keeping them from living the life that God intended for them. They also must believe that they can be well. Next, they need to replace their current way of thinking about their life with a new mindset and develop a strong support system. They must be willing to do the hard work of making unfamiliar choices that will not initially make sense to them and will most likely agitate feelings of fear, anxiety and a loss of control. Choosing to think differently and working through unfamiliar feelings is the work that must be done if one is to live well. The work is not easy, but it is worth it.
And so, I ask you, “Do you want to be well?” Are you willing to do the work that living well requires?
