jennifer-roberts What had happened was … Late last summer, my daughter decided to purchase a juvenile elongated tortoise just weeks before returning to college. Her plan was to take the tortoise with her to school but that plan quickly evaporated when she realized that she couldn’t. A few days before her move-in date, she came to me, confessed the error in her plans and humbly asked me to be his guardian until she returned home. Of course, I said, “Yes.”
Little did I know that this pint-sized reptile would remind me of some critical parenting lessons.
1. Keep Trying New Strategies: Norman is a herbivore. When I began caring for him, his daily diet consisted of water and pre-packaged tortoise pellets. The tortoise pellets were large and dry, and I knew that he wouldn’t be able to eat them so twice a day, I soaked three or four of them in water and mashed them so that he could eat them. Even with the pellets being softened, he struggled to get the food into his mouth.
Every day, I put the softened pellets onto Norman’s feeding dish and waited for him to eat. I would even place Norman near the food every day hoping that would help him to access the food. It didn’t. The process was painfully slow and sometimes he wouldn’t get any food into his mouth. I tried putting the food on smaller dishes, placing the food on narrow, wooden coffee stirrers and on plastic spoons to help him access the sustenance. I verbally cheered him on as day after day, I watched him extend his little neck, and open and close his tiny mouth, time and time again only catching air. It was agonizing to watch him struggle and I couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t get more of the food. Surely, he was hungry and exhausted.
After several weeks, I went online to see if there was a different food that I could try. And there was – Juvenile Tortoise Pellets. These pellets were small granules which I hoped would be easier for him to pick up with his beak. The pet store didn’t have them in stock, so I ordered a bag online. When the bag arrived, I was excited for Norman to try them out. Unfortunately, he still struggled.
Along with his pellets, I had been giving Norman bits of fresh dandelion greens some days which he also struggled to eat. After continuing to think about how I could help him, one day, I tore Norman’s dandelion leaves in bigger pieces thinking that maybe they would be easier for him to grasp. It worked! He was able to grab hold of the leaves with his beak, bite down and release, tearing the leaf as he released it. Success. It still took him a long time to eat but at least he was getting more of the food.
In the same way that parents become agitated about their children not grasping a skill or concept, it agitated and hurt me that Norman couldn’t grasp his food. Like parents want their children to be successful, I wanted Norman to be successful.
Instead of becoming frustrated or leaving Norman to figure out how to better access his meals, I kept trying different strategies until I found the one that worked the best and I kept supporting him in the process. The current solution is not perfect, but it is better.
Never give up on looking for strategies to help your child. Resist the urge to blame him/her for a deficiency or to leave them to figure out the strategy independently. Keep trying new strategies until you find an approach that helps them access learning.
2. Walk Away: Have you ever watched a tortoise eat? I have. It’s a slow process. When I feed Norman, I put him and his leafy greens onto his feeding tray and walk away while he eats. Sometimes, when I come back, I can see that Norman has eaten most of his food. Other times he hasn’t touched it and on very rare occasions, he has eaten all of his food. I would frustrate myself everyday if I watched him while he ate so I walk away and then return later in the day to assess his progress.
Take the same approach (when appropriate) when helping your child complete a task. Sometimes watching them can become frustrating to you and your child which is not helpful. Hovering, surveying, critiquing, urging and waiting can make your child nervous or even contrary and it can frustrate you. Once you have set your child up for success meaning that they understand your expectation, they can most likely meet the expectation and they have the right tools to complete the task, walk away. Set a timer to return to check their progress. Praise them for their progress, celebrate what they were able to do with the time they had, help them clean up if needed and move on. Tomorrow is a new day and you both get the opportunity to try again.
3. Progress Takes Time: It took months to figure out how best to feed Norman. Even though I cared for him daily, I didn’t immediately know how to best help him. I had to learn.
Likewise, even though you spend time with your child every day, you may not know what he/she needs right away. Give yourself and your child grace. Observe your child, listen to him/her, empathize with him/her, watch how they respond to a variety of stimuli, take notes and use your observations to formulate an approach that may work for him/her. Progress is not a linear path, and it is not a destination. Learning is a process. Don’t be afraid to take a break, reset and start over. What worked yesterday may not work today and that’s OK. Salvage what you can and keep creating joyful learning experiences – that’s what matters. And finally, slow down and enjoy the journey.
